A Witch's Fairy Tale

Bad dreams

2012-03-16T11:55:00.002+01:00

I'm home again for about a month :)
It's nice being here again. Knowing everyone and spending the time outside :)

But last night I really had a bad dream *sigh*. I dreamed about riding a horse again. And when I made it gallop I fell again... Like I fell about a year ago... I don't want to be frightened of riding horses... I love them too much for that... But I can't become a better rider without practise... and how to practise regularly without a horse?! I need to sit on a horse again... I need to make the fear vanish *sigh*...

*hugs*
Cleo

The way things turn out to be sometimes...

2012-03-01T19:40:00.002+01:00

Waaaa... I feel alone...
and I'm not satisfied with myself... I got back my Grammar mark... it wasn't what I wanted...

I feel so stupid... I feel like nothing's working...

but at least I've been in a forest again... I haven't been in one for quite some time...

*hugs*
Cleo

Sometimes life is this way

2012-02-28T10:51:00.003+01:00

I guess it'll sound a bit strange... because I just mentioned my boyfriend in my last post...
but I am single again.... It seemed like the two of us didn't really fit to each other...

Well, again... new start...

Cleo

More or less news xD

2012-02-24T12:29:00.003+01:00

Wow, I haven't posted for a month now...
Which might be because of the exams and my having a boyfriend again.
I tend to forget about things or have another focus when being in a relatinship.
Sometimes I hate that.
My exams have been okay... not as good as they've been before... but still not too bad either...

It's holidays now and my family is coming to Heidelberg today. Sunday is my father's birthday. He was going to celebrate it with me that's why they are coming. I'm so looking forward to it. My sister hasn't been here yet.

I'm baking a cake at the moment. For my dad. I hope He'll like it xD

See you soon guys.
Cleo

Exmans

2012-01-11T20:18:00.001+01:00

Waaaaahhh.... Exams start soon and I'm getting nervous xD It's so much I'll have to manage in so few time oO I'm about to panic but I haven't yet and maybe it won't be as bad as I think it will xD I'm sitting here at the place of the certain someone I was talking about...
Hope things'll turn out well xD

Going back

2012-01-05T12:07:00.002+01:00

Sometimes time goes by as if it was nothing...
Tomorrow I'm going south again to Heidelberg. I've been looking forward to being back.
Still it's strange leaving my family again. But that's how things will go from now on. I'll be a visitor here.

I've packed my things. I thought I'd spend most of the time visiting friends but I didn't... I guess I only saw my real friends. Those that I'll know for a long time even without seeing them regularly.

So tomorrow it's goodbye again...

*hugs*
Cleo

Happy New Year

2012-01-01T11:02:00.002+01:00

At least I hope it will be happy.
I've been home for a week now and I start missing my other home Heidelberg.
It's really fun being a student and spending my days in this really great town.
And I miss the people I really got used to within theses last few months.
And I guess... I miss a certain someone I spent much time with before holidays started.

Let's hope and see... maybe this year'll be great...

*hugs*
Cleo

2011-12-24T16:49:00.002+01:00

Merry Christmas xD

I'm home again xD haven't been here for three months xD

*hugs*
Cleo

University reminds me of school at the momen...

2011-12-11T18:42:00.004+01:00

Sometimes, I ask myself why things have to become strange and complicated as soon as men are involved... There is someone... He said he liked me...
But I don't feel like I could really fall in love with him... still I feel attracted to him... He is really kind and funny and sometimes annoying... I'd love to know where this is going to lead... I don't feel like I should get into a relationship again... and especially when not sure about my feelings...

We'll see... Try to keep you updated...

*hugs*
Cleo

University keeps me busy xD

2011-12-01T07:57:00.002+01:00

Hey

Haven't been posting a lot lately and I guess I won't do it much this semester... University keeps me rather busy and I really try to do as much as possible... so I won't take my little freetime to write but more to read, to take walks, to meet friends... I guess you understand that xD Maybe in my winter holidays I'll be writing more...

*hugs*
Cleo

Halloween

2011-10-29T09:58:00.003+02:00

Today I feel rather tired...
I guess I was too excited to get to sleep...
It was about Halloween... I remember how much fun I had with my girls at home...
Here I simply didn't want to be alone that evening... So I overcame all my timidity and asked the only person here I feel nearly comfortable with... And he said yes to go to the pub with me... But last Thursday after our Creative Writing Course he was invited by some third semesters... He told me yesterday and asked me if it was okay to go there... He wanted to ask them whether I could come to...

It was about midnight and I wanted to go to sleep but couldn't for now I'm worrying about all this... will I be invited? How do I get there with costume and all when having a lecture till 17:45 and a 30 minutes way home?? What to talk about?? I feel like my life and how I see it isn't really the right stuff for a party... I could still say no....

But I don't want to... I don't want things to end up the way they did before... I don't want to stand in the background watching the people having fun... I want to be a part of it... even if it's not a major role...

*scared*
Cleo

Lonely

2011-10-26T18:43:00.002+02:00

sometimes I should stop talking...
today I said something idiotic... sometimes I should keep my mouth shut... especially when I don't know the people I talk to well enough... I feel sooo bad... I want to cry... and I'm so frightened... I guess I won't find real friends... and those people I talk to I fear will at some point say they don't like me or something...

I want to cry...
Cleo

Exhausted

2011-10-23T19:29:00.003+02:00

It's a strange feeling working so much for something...
I'm at university for 2 weeks and haven't spent a day without working...
I'm not really used to it...
but I guess it's not too bad right now because I don't have people to do something with...

I'm having a cold... and I feel rather tired... but I'll try to do some more... at least writing something for the Creative Writing Course...

I hope I'll manage to keep on working... It's only 13 weeks of university left... and next semester things will be different...

Cleo

new life?!

2011-10-21T14:44:00.002+02:00

University is quite cool at the moment...
I like learning Japanese xD it's an interesting language xD
English studies is good xD And I'm getting used to having to work after university...

I'm missing my friends though and I'm not yet sure what to think of the people I met... I don't want to think that we are becoming friends just to notice that only I have been thinking this...

*sigh*
Cleo

How much I hate it...

2011-10-18T06:45:00.002+02:00

I fell like he is flying from me. My exboyfriend...
whenever I'm at my PC he seems to go offline... it makes me feel really bad... I thought the time had come to get along again... but I guess we won't... why should we?!... I am quite naive after having had four boyfriends I should know that things won't be good again... at least not really... *sighs*

My friend wrote to me again... that's something making me happy and university seems to be better this week...

cleo

all alone

2011-10-14T23:15:00.003+02:00

I'm nervous. I'm frightened. I'm not really doing good.

I wrote to my exboyfriend.. and the first two times he answered... the third he didn't... now I'm not sure... is he already annoyed about me writing or didn't he see that I wrote??

the other thing is... one of my really best friends isn't writing lately and I'm asking myself if I did something wrong...

It's bad having things like these going on while you're alone. It makes you be harmed more easily than ever... I hope I'll find new, real friends here... people I can really talk to about everything... just like my old ones...

*sigh*
Cleo

depressed

2011-10-12T08:29:00.002+02:00

I get the feeling I won't manage my studies...
My English isn't as good as the other ones' and I'm quite lazy...
How shall I get along with this... The professors frighten me by saying things like "40% failed this course last year"... I've always been good in school... now I guess I won't be anymore...

When we had pronounciation practice I noticed how many people have been abroad and most of the students in my course sounded quite close to a native speaker... I felt quite bad and I got nervous when I had to read out so it sounded even worse than it normally would...

English was always something I had been good at. Now it seems to be different.
*sighs*

Cleo

Starting soon

2011-10-08T19:17:00.003+02:00

I'm starting to study the day after tomorrow...
I'm nervous already... I'll have much to do I guess...
But that's okay I didn't want it to be otherwise... I've had a pub-crawl with the other English Studies students... It was cool xD... I'm a Guinnes fan now xD

Cleo

Down..

2011-10-02T18:06:00.003+02:00

Sometimes Life is really mean.
I felt great for a few months now... I didn't wonder whether I was too fat or not and I didn't feel like I was bad looking... I liked my look even though I weigh more than I should...

Now when I am most in need of a bit of self-confidence I simply freak out thinking I am too fat and not the least good-looking... and when on Wednesday I am going to meet the other studends... well, I guess everything will be as it has been in school... and I don't want it to be that way again...

Cleo

Final Countdown

2011-09-30T11:55:00.002+02:00

Today is my last day at home...
I'm not going to be here for the next 3 months...
I've been looking forward to this day but now that it's come I feel rather sad...
I'm going to say goodbye...

My studies start soon and I'm really frightened... I don't know whether I'll be doing fine and get along with it... But I'll try hard... I promise...

*hugs*
Cleo

sighs

2011-09-26T20:28:00.003+02:00

Sometimes I hate the world...
Good things cost so much... Who to trust in??
My mother is annoyed by my life being so expensive at the moment... It wouldn't be too bad if they didn't have to live themselves either... *sighs*
I hope I'll get some financial support... normally I need to because my parents don't get much money at work and that is normally enough to get financial support... *sighs again*

Would love to go to university... but... I still have to wait... and too much time to think...

Cleo

Nothing

2011-09-23T20:43:00.002+02:00

There isn't much happening these days...
I'm still waiting not having a room to feel comfortable in...
My father went to Heidelberg to help my uncle working on the new room and he took most of the boxes with him... so there isn't much left of my things *sighs*

I started reading something about Japanese History... Looking forward to studying...

Cleo

Home again...

2011-09-18T19:50:00.001+02:00

After having stayed a week in heidelberg I'm home again....

I feel strange... don't really know... it's a feeling of being in between to lives the old and the new one... The old one isn't yet all packed up but it's not really there anymore either... and the new one isn't unpacked yet...

Two weeks till things start...

Wounds won't heal too soon

2011-09-17T18:02:00.003+02:00

How much I hate having feelings for an exboyfriend... -.- How much I would like to know how he's doing... But I know that I'll feel bad... I feel bad already when reading some messages on Facebook... He's living his life... and that should be okay with me... but I hate this feeling of not being missed... Especially when missing him myself... It's not as bad as it has been but... well...

I'm now officially student at Heidelberg University...
*hugs*
Cleo

Moving

2011-09-08T20:11:00.002+02:00

My room is quite empty now... I've packed some more boxes because tomorrow we'll drive south to Heidelberg... and my dad says we need to take as many things as possible because we shouldn't have to drive too often because of the costs... It's hard thinking about what to leave and what to take... in my whole life I never needed to move away... This has been my home for nearly 20 years... Will I finally develop something like homesickness??

*hugs*
Cleo

2011-09-06T20:09:00.002+02:00

Why does going to university look so difficult from my point of view? I feel like there is so much information I need to keep in mind and so many things I need to do... I feel a bit lost... and I'm still too shy, too nervous to ask anyone... *sighs*

Maybe I'll get it done next week... I'll be in Heidelberg because I need to imatriculate...
I hope I'll get along...

Cleo

I miss...

2011-08-30T14:16:00.002+02:00

I miss Bär... She didn't post anything for quite a long time now and she stopped writing comments... *sighs* and since school is over and she started working I don't hear and see her much...
and of course I miss my twins... Abby is in Scotland... and her sister leaves tomorrow to go to Germany's east... *sighs again*...
We used to drink tea together once in a month...
How much I would love to talk to them... or do something funny... or maybe just go back to Scotland where we spent our holidays... I hope I'll be able to visit Abby...

I'm going to take my godmother's dog for a walk now..

Cleo

Bad timing

2011-08-29T20:01:00.003+02:00

Some people just have a bad timing...

I was written to by a guy I don't know who says he has seen me in the hospital once. He added me and wrote to me and I wrote back... He isn't living far away... He wanted to meet me... I refused... I'm going to leave soon...
I'm single for only 2 months and I know myself... sometimes I fear I'm willing to like everyone who shows at least some interest in me... I've never seen this guy and have only written a few messages and nevertherless it was difficult for me to refuse his invitation...
I want to stay on my own for a while... I don't know how to make it... I'm so much focused on men and I fear it's difficult for me to maintain something like friendship with them... I don't feel comfortable near men I don't take a romantic interest in...

Something's really wrong with me and men... *sighs*

Waiting...

2011-08-28T22:45:00.002+02:00

Hey there,

I'm packing... Nearly all my books are already put into boxes... I'm really looking forward to everything but it's still some time... about a month actually...

Today I finished "The return of the king" which means I finally read the Lord of the Rings xD

How long will it take to get used to living somewhere new? I've never been away from home more than two weeks and normally I liked being away... will I feel homesick when I stay away longer?? I'm not going to be home again till Christmas when I leave now at the end of September...

Cleo

2011-08-24T21:35:00.002+02:00

I'm a bit nervous...
Tomorrow I'll go to my therapist for the last time... will it be alright then? Do I have to look for a new one when I go away now??

I always felt bad about going to a therapist... I know it's stupid because these days many people need help at some point of their lives... but I always thought I'm alright...

Well we'll see...
Cleo

2011-08-21T19:37:00.002+02:00

Hey...

I'm sitting here waiting for something to happen...
yesterday I did a long tour on foot... it was some 20 kilometres I guess xD But nothing else happens these days...
I'd like to move to my aunt and uncle now... but it's not time yet... I still haven't packed... I still need boxes to put my things in...
My twins are away now... and Bär is working... I miss our meetings... I miss drinking tea with them... They've become very close friends to me...

This week I'm going to have lots of appointments... I have to go to my dentist, to the physiotherapist and to the other therapist... I'm not looking forward to this week... but there are things we have to go through...

At the end of the week it's Bär's birthday,,, I'm looking forward to that xD

Cleo

Eating pizza

2011-08-14T15:39:00.002+02:00

Hey...

Today I've met my friends... it was sort of a last gathering before I leave... Most of them stay in the area... it's strange... I feel already distant to most... is it just me??... did we all change so much??

I'd like to know who I can still call a friend 3 or 4 years from now...

Cleo

time goes by

2011-08-11T10:11:00.002+02:00

I'm sitting in the kitchen... I'm alone... My dad's working and my mum's having breakfast with a few friends... I read a good blog today and I'm going to continue reading "The lord of the rings"... It's embarassing that someone reading as much as I do still hasn't read "The lord of the rings" especially when being such a fan of the films... But I'm changing that at the moment...

I've got a little wasp problem... there are always wasps coming into my room that's why I'm sitting in the kitchen... our TV isn't working so I'm listening to the radio... and I haven't been moving since I got myself some breakfast an hour ago...

I'm going to see a friend of mine... She is going to study in Aberdeen so it'll be the about the last time I see her before she's moving... I'm going to miss her... I hope she'll be visitng me when she's having holidays... or that we'll have holidays at the same time so we can meet here...

How strange it will be to leave everything behind... not only the bad things... That will be quite easy.... but also everything that's good and made school bearable...

*feeling strange*

Changes

2011-08-09T21:35:00.002+02:00

I started packing today. I'll be leaving in September.
Heidelberg accepted me. And I'm going to leave my home.
I'm frightened and happy...

Cleo

what a day

2011-08-04T22:20:00.001+02:00

Today is the first day of the Irish Folk Festival... Last year on this occasion I met my Ex-boyfriend.... It's hard not being there... we wanted to go together... some time ago....

I'm working on a present for BÄR... But I guess I'll be going to sleep now...

*hugs*
Cleo

Universities again...

2011-08-02T20:29:00.002+02:00

Hey

There is some good news now... University of Mannheim has told me that I am allowed to come and study there and Heidelberg said I could come to the test... So I'm going south...

I'm not quite sure at the moment which university I will choose in the end although I've said I'd go to Heidelberg...

*hugs*
Cleo

Thunderstorms and hiking

2011-07-28T13:50:00.002+02:00

Yesterday i've been hiking quite a long way... It really helps me feel good to do that at the moment... so I'm planning to go as much as possible...

While I was hiking, I got surprised by a thunderstorm accompanied by tons of rain making me all wet... I was really frightened because of th lightnings being quite close to where I was... Good thing was that I was close to being out of the forest again so my mother could fetch me with the car...

*hugs*
Cleo

Trying to get along with life the way it is...

2011-07-27T11:37:00.003+02:00

Sometimes, my life is a bit strange... I'm spending much time waiting... for the universities to say if they accept me or not... for the cinema to tell me whether I can work there or not... and for the people of the newspaper telling me whether they want me to carry out their newspaper or not... and all the time I wonder if it's okay when I want to meet my friends on a certain day or if I have to work... I knew if they tell me but they don't... at least not yet...
Thinking of how much strength it cost me to get myself to phone them there could be at least one telling me I have the job...

*hugs*
Cleo

Being alone

2011-07-25T19:16:00.003+02:00

I've got so much time now... I feel like I'm not doing much anymore because my ex and me have done soo much together... and I feel bad for I don't want to be with anyone right now... which isn't good but I can't help it...

Sometimes it helps changing something... I got my hair cut right after my arrival at home... Today I reorganized my room... putting my furniture in new places and throwing things I don't want anylonger into the bin and stuff like that... I feel a bit relieved... I guess it was neccessary...

I'm a bit stupid today... I've been for a walk around my village and I knew my ex would sooner or later come through it because he works here and I thought it would be great if he saw me with my new haircut... I'm happy he didn't drive past... It was so ridiculous...

Well going back to work on my room again xD

*hugs*
Cleo

Being away doesn't help too much

2011-07-12T10:30:00.004+02:00

Hey there!

I'm sitting in a kitchen somewhere in Scotland and I'm glad to be here.... Even though I'm not doing good all the time, my friends and me have lots of fun together...
I think these days I feel strange because of all those changes having been made the last view weeks and all those changes that will come during the next couple of weeks...

Sometimes I feel this emtiness and all those feelings coming up and trying to overwhelm me... How long will I be able to stand up against them?

*hugs*
Cleo

Empty

2011-06-24T21:44:00.002+02:00

Alone again...
I'm not crying... I've already cried...
I'm trying to look forward... He was a good guy and he broke up in a good way (if you can say so)... I'll miss him...

Some power is making me not think... I hope I'll get along...

Cleo

Days passing by

2011-06-10T10:12:00.003+02:00

Hey folks,

I've been blogging for about 3 years now and though I'm not writing much these days I would never give it up...

I like my blog... It's a place to share thoughts and problems and though I haven't been always getting comments I know that some people at some time read this and maybe understand me or fell the same or maybe they just think I'm complicated or naiv...

This weekend I'm going to go an a trip with my sister, my brother-in-law and my boyfriend... I hope it'll be great... Sometimes I'm thiniking too much and start creating problems... These days I'm frightened of my boyfriend and me maybe seeing each other too much... but on the other hand I think it's okay... I shouldn't take things tooo serious... relax and enjoy! That's what I shuolc be doing xD

Well I'll try!

*hugs*
Cleo

My blog

2011-05-17T16:10:00.002+02:00

Sometimes I feel like I should have made more out of my blog than this... it's like I'm only writing when I feel bad or something and even then I'm not able to write about everything because I fear someone might read it and misjudge me... I feel like my posts should have been more poetical but nevertheless talking about my life... it should have shown that I'm a person that can be liked but in fact I think it just seems to show that I'm some sort of a loser... I feel like my life is so full of negative things that I even don't see the positive...

I hope that when I get away from home... I could start to be a bit different... maybe I could finally develop self-confidence... I so would love to...

Cleo

nearly done

2011-05-11T14:20:00.002+02:00

Hey ho

There is a lot going on right now... I'm having my final examens these days and I actually should be practising or something but I prefer going out with my boyfriend.... sometimes I really feel bad about this but on the other hand... I have actually never practised much for examens or stuff like that... School was always easy to me and my way of doing it was always good... so I decided to do the final examens the way I did school... practise a little and it'll be fine...

But school isn't the only thing going on... I'm still having to do with my therapy... and my problems... well, it's not easy being me somtimes... and I guess it's not easy for my boyfriend to be with me... I somehow have to stop thinking to much and I should stop to think that whatever I do is bad because it's not only hurting me when I feel bad but it's hurting my boyfriend as well as our relationship... the problem is... being nearly finished with school means having a lot of time... and a lot of time always means a lot of time to think -.-

Well see ya
Cleo

Just to make you worry less xP

2011-03-18T15:43:00.002+01:00

I guess I'm feeling better now...

I've noticed that I've got problems with having a fight with someone... I'm more or less surpressing my bad feelings... I'm always trying not to be angry with someone and things like this....

I guess I'm feeling better now... Hope it'll stay that way xD

Cleo

Sad

2011-03-14T11:39:00.002+01:00

I'm just feeling tired... I would love to sleep... Couldn't someone please stop my thoughts from running around and making me go insane?? I get some help but I feel helpless... I guess I'm feeling like things will never get well... Do I have to live with this for the rest of my life??!!

Vicious circle: I am the way I am because I don't like myself for being the way I am which makes me become even more the way I am....

I feel sort of lost...

Cleo

How things are developing

2011-03-05T12:08:00.003+01:00

It seems like I'm just writing one post each month these days xDxD I'm sorry for that...

For me, life isn't too easy these days... I'm trying to find the source of my problems... and It's really not easy... I've got ideals which are sort of destroying myself because they don't let me be human... I know it sounds strange but it's how things are and I need to accept that and I need to find a way to get away form these ideals...

It strange how things turn out sometimes... I never felt like I was acting wrong trying to be a good girl and all... but I guess you can be a good girl without hurting yourself too much...

Cleo

How things are going...

2011-02-14T11:22:00.003+01:00

Happy Valentine's day xD

I'm sorry for not writing regularly but somehow I've got the feeling there isn't enough time and not much to say...

These days I'm spending much time with my boyfriend... we try to see as much as possible so we're sort of "travel" a lot through the area around the place I live in xD The rest of the time I spend with school... It's getting quite boring now that we're taking huge steps towards the final examens... That's something depressing because I often sit in school from 8 AM till 4 PM without having done anything useful... I hate that my only task during the day is to keep myself from sleeping... Nevertheless I'm trying to motivate myself... at least a bit... There is not enough fear for the final examens and that's making me nervous for I have the feeling that I'm not doing enough... but on the other hand I need my free time to do things I like because without them I can't motivate myself... I just hope I'll find the balance between those two and get finished with school in a good way...

Hope you are all fine... and thanks for the comments on my last post... Have started to think that I won't get any for the rest of my blogger career xD

*hugs*
Cleo

New year... new things

2011-01-11T18:27:00.003+01:00

A new year... and many things to come... I'm going to graduate this year... I'll leave my friends and family and go and study if a university accepts me...

I'm frightened and sad but a bit happy too... The worst thing will be not seeing my best friends and not seeing my boyfriend... Will the two of us stay together even if we are seperated by some hundred kilometres??
I hope so...

*hugs*
Cleo

Where to go?

2010-11-09T16:54:00.003+01:00

I'm tired... I'd like to be somewhere else... I feel stupid... I feel exhausted... and only because of school... and the people there... I feel like I'm not able to get along with the people around me except for my friends...
The world doesn't seem to be made for me... I'm not the self-confident, serious, sensible and responsible woman who is born to be a team-player... I'm not what the world is looking for... I can't handle criticism, I hate to make mistakes... especially when people notice and talk about them all the time... I'm not stupid... I hate when they treat me that way... when they look at me that way... I may not be the most intelligent person but who can actually claim to be intelligent, really intelligent, not just some know-it-all... I guess, there aren't many and there are even less people who can claim to be without faults...

I'm tired...

Cleo

Scaredy cat

2010-11-02T13:42:00.002+01:00

Sometimes I'm frightened... What if I woke up and felt nothing? What if someday I will be alone again?? I panicked yesterday... not as badly as I did before but I panicked... sometimes I'm not sure whether it's good that men want a relationship with me because I'm not easy... And sometimes I really think they deserve something better than me... Especially him.... He is such a kind and wonderful guy and I'm complicated...

Hopefully things will stay good this time and maybe I will never be alone again...

Cleo

Childish

2010-10-30T12:16:00.002+02:00

I want to go somewhere... Don't know where...
Don't want to think...
Not about the future...
Not about school...

Want to live for the moment...
Today I did something I shouldn't have done... I forgot about time and left an important school exercise behind... I walked... without time... without borders... without thought...

I was somewhere... some place I haven't been for a really long time...

Sometimes I would love to be a child again...

Cleo

News xD

2010-10-18T13:04:00.003+02:00

Somehow I'm not good at writing much these days...

London has been wonderful. At the beginning, I wasn't sure whether I liked it or not ... I guess, the long journey and my being tired didn't want to get along with the hectic of the town... but one gets used to it after some time and soon my heartbeat was close to the cities... The other problem was our being there as a group of about 50 people... That's not the way I like to explorer a city like London... We had a race against time because we would only have 3 real days in London and there is sooo much to be seen that we ran from monument to monument, from museum to theatre and so on. I had many glimpses at many things in a short period of time and I had much information in a short period of time so I was tired and exhausted and happy when we left the city for a day and passed our time in my beloved Canterbury...
I've always wanted to go there and I would go there again... It's a cute little town... and it has cute little shops but it's full of tourists -.-
That was one of the things I was really disappointed about... I was so happy to meet people and hear them talk in English all the time... but all the time in London and Canterbury we've been followed by groups of German tourists -.-
We've also been to the sea... I liked it... It was calm and quiet and I had the feeling I could breathe more easily...
I was sad when we left Great Britain... The White Cliffs of Dover disappeared in the darkness of the night... I would have cried if it hadn't been for the wind which dried the tears before they had a chance to run down my cheeks...

My first week of holidays has been quite busy tooo I've been visiting my twins and I did a lot for school... My mum wasn't there most of the week because one of my uncles isn't doing good and she had to look after her sister who couldn't stand her husband being that ill...

I also met the man I got to know on the Irish Folk festival 2 months ago... and well, since we've seen each other a lot throuout these last two months and because my feelings for him have grown much lately... IT's time to tell you that I'm having a boyfriend again... since the day before yesterday xD I'm happy... He is such a kind man and he is caring for me much and he is good to me and maybe he's the one... Who knows xDxD

Cleo

London... It's unbelievable...

2010-09-28T18:42:00.003+02:00

The time of tests has come again... Today I started with History and will continue on Thursday with English... It's much coming up but most of it after the too short holidays...

Next week I'll set foot on the English ground for the first time in my life and I am soooo excited... Whenever I imagined that very moment I was about to cry and now that it isn't far away I can't believe it's finally happening to me... I've already got my pounds... My first own British pounds!!!!!

But first I have to deal with English, with my new pupil and 3 more school days xD

*hugs*
CLeo

Too much to handle?

2010-09-24T19:08:00.003+02:00

I'm sorry I'm not writing much these days... but I don't feel like it... I feel bad about it but I'm not really changing it... I'm still tired... school is tiring and exhausting and the perpective that it is about to end isn't making things better... It means more stuff to do... I don't only write tests but also have to look for a place and a way to study what I want to study and all this while I have to prepare myself for my last, huge examns at this school... How am I supposed to handle all this and how did other people manage to do this befor me?? Why isn't life easy??

I need to get myself to practise History... but as I said... I don't feel like doing it... and it's only one week till I've got some sort of holidays... We're going to London and I'm really looking forward to that... but it also means that one third of my last year of school is soon to be over...

I'm a bit desperate and not really feeling good right now...

Cleo

Demotivation

2010-09-06T11:21:00.002+02:00

I'm tired... I'm sorry to say so but it's my last year of school and I'm totally demotivated...
School's not interesting at the moment and my thoughts are far far away in a foreign country... like my dreams... wouldn't you love to accompany me??

We'll see.

Cleo

Bär's Birthday

2010-08-27T08:49:00.002+02:00

Hehe... Today is a special day

It's bär's birthday!!!

Happy Birthday!!!!

(doesn't that pic remind you of times when I was still little rabbit?! When did I stop being that?)

Last days of beautiful holidays xD

2010-08-18T10:56:00.003+02:00

How beautiful holidays can be when you don't have any time to be bored... The problem is that they are over too soon...
I met someone... don't laugh at me... I know I said I don't want to fall in love and so far I really would say I'm not in love... but I'm not willing to ignore every cute man I meet... it may be better if I did... but what if then I really meet the one I could live with and be with for the rest of my life... I would regret not to have taken the chance to at least get to know him... You don't have to fall in love directly you can have a look and see maybe he isn't the one but you'll never know before getting to know him... I hope you understand me in some confused way xD

I've spent my hoidays working and walking... xD and I made puzzles and read and well I met with my friends... I wrote to my twins who spent their holidays in Scotland. One twin is back and that is quite good because then I can go and see her xD I have to read shakespeare for school... it's really cool xD but also exhausting xD because it's not really easy xD

I guess I'm going to enjoy the last 1 and a half weeks of holidays and maybe then I'm writing more often again xD

Cleo

What holidays are good for?!

2010-07-14T18:40:00.002+02:00

I'm having holidays... Finally!!

Tired but happy xD Tomorrow I'm going to go to my aunt and uncle. Soooo happy!!
Holidays are good because I can finally forget about exboyfriends and their new girlfriends... About friends that have (I'm sorry but I need to tell the truth) annoyed me much these days... About school (at least for part of the time)... About being unsatisfied... Maybe I find a way to be me... the better me xD

Cleo

Sunday morning full of heat xD

2010-07-11T09:13:00.003+02:00

It's sunday. I'm feeling a bit tired and I'm feeling strange. Disturbed. I can't wait to have my holidays xD Yesterday my sister visited us and my brother-in-law xD We wtched football and had a barbecue.
I've started watching Naruto again... I have stopped watching it some time after my exboyfriend and me got together. Now I'll try and watch them all xD
Not much more to say...

Cleo

Thursday workshops

2010-07-08T20:20:00.003+02:00

The last 2 days we had a rhetoric workshop at school. We had to go there and I had been quite frightened because I'm always nervous when I have to talk in front of people and I always have the feeling that I have to vomit before I go to the front and start talking.
The person who led this workshop was really cool. But all our teachers threatened us by telling us that they would make us down when we aren't good enough. And I always thought I wasn't good enough... until today. He told me that my body language was really really good and that no one would think I'm nervous if there wasn't my voice that sometimes betrays me.... I'm feeling good because it makes me feel at least a bit more positive about having to talk in front of people...

Cleo

waiting for holidays xD

2010-07-03T18:48:00.003+02:00

Tired... Germany won... And I'm tired... I was up quite late yesterday and this morning I was woken up by my godmother... I really like her but I would have loved to sleep a bit longer... I went on a walk and came home sweating because it is too hot...
I will now take my mother and father and drive them to a birthday party they want to go to...
I've finished my book.. again xD I need to look for a new one xD

One week and a half... then... HOLIDAYS xD

Cleo

Holidays? Where are you??

2010-06-29T15:52:00.003+02:00

How on earth could I lose all my good mood, my little self-confidence in about two day?!... At the weekend I was full of power, ready to rule the world and right now... I'm annoying, a little depressed and fighting with Stjernen again... Sometimes it's exhausting to be myself... and then as if all my weird feelings aren't enough I totally lost control when I saw my exboyfriend standing alone at the station... I was nervous... frightened that he might say something to me or that he would ignore me... Idiotic... don't you think?... and ridiculous... after 6 months, after all that happened and especially since he has a new girlfriend I shouldn't lose control when I see him... not any more...!

I need holidays and I need distance to my own life... It's too much...

Cleo

Exhausting Weekend

2010-06-27T12:11:00.002+02:00

Quite an exhausting weekend... Friday was soooo cool... My twins had prepared a great evening xD And I had fun... Dancing, eating and singing xD

Yesterday my mum celebrated her birthday or better say she celebrated with all the people while waiting for her birthday to come xD... Because her birthday is today... 45 years old xD

Later today I'll go and visit Abby... We need to practise for this idiotic Literature presentation -.- I'm happy when it's over... only 2 and a half weeks till I have got holidays xD 6 weeks without school xD!!

My cousin is here... I'd like to know what it will be like if I really manage to go to university in Heidelberg... i'll live with her and she has always been a single-child... maybe it'll be difficult for her to get used to me... maybe we'll be fighting... maybe... or we'll get along the way we already do... Who knows.... xD

Cleo

Dancing under a rainbow xD

2010-06-24T18:28:00.002+02:00

I'm sitting here working... yeah, I'm doing my homework... at least parts of it xD Tomorrow there will be the first night of our "Perfect Dinner"- Contest and it'll start at my twins'.
I've finished my book xD and started reading the second volume... xD

My cousin Rose will come tomorrow... I'm looking forward to it... After all that happened I'm happy to have her back and we may not be the way we've been before but we're working on a way to get back what we had lost... I'm happy...

I don't need a man... not now...!! I'm feeling free and happy...

Cleo

Reading much xD

2010-06-22T16:23:00.003+02:00

I've been home today as I told you yesterday... I started a new book... It's by Kai Meyer and I've read it once... I've read the following volume too but the point is that when the third volume was published it was a too long time ago since I had read the other two... so I decided to start again after I don't know how much time and this time I'll read all three... xD
I can't tell you what it's English title would because as far as I found out it is only published in German... It's title is "Seide und Schwert" xD and it's set in China... It's a fantasy novel xD

Maybe I'll read it half through today xD

Cleo

Ill

2010-06-21T19:07:00.003+02:00

I'm ill... still... and I've been sitting here all day reading... I'll be through with my book at the end of the day xD...
I won't go to school tomorrow either because my doctor told me I better stayed home...

I'm happy that there are holidays soon... Because I need to get out of here... I need to see something else and I need to get back into my own little world which I learned to love... Then I may forget that sometimes I would love to be loved again...

Cleo

It's Saturday xD

2010-06-19T10:34:00.003+02:00

I'm tired... And I'm feeling ill... but I've already baked the cake for Akiyama and continued reading "Pope Joan"...
I need to get a shower but right now I don't feel like doing so...
I'm waiting for my mum to come home... and sooner or later it will be time for me to drive xD *happy* I hope everything will be fine because it would show my mum that I am able to drive...

Cleo

My life is getting better... defínitely

2010-06-18T14:34:00.004+02:00

I guess, I'm happy... Sometimes, I miss the old times... having a boyfriend and stuff like that... but I guess I'm feeling better... much better... and I feel like I'm really really over it... Of course I'm not happy whenever I see my ex and his new girlfriend... but I'm not feeling bad either and I am even able to laugh about them... I'd say that's a good... no that's a GREAT sign... I don't need him anymore... not at all... And he doesn't need me so we'll live in peaceful coexistence xD

I'll look for some music to dance to for sarah and Claire, I guess... but I won't do much today... I'm tired and still a bit ill and I need to get well for tomorrow and Literature...

Cleo

Again about driving a car -.-

2010-06-17T19:37:00.002+02:00

Today was the last time I had to go to P.E.... at least of this school year xD
I'm sitting here being a bit annoyed... my mum and I again had a small fight because of driving a car... I'm annoyed because I really don't like these fights... We haven't had any reasons to fight much till I got my driving license...

*sighs*
Cleo

today

2010-06-16T17:48:00.004+02:00

What a beautiful but windy day... I'm ill so it's actually bad weather for me... Because it's too cold and too warm at the same time... I'd like to go to bed but it's too early and I'm not tired enough to sleep right now... I've earned some money today xD That was cool xD
My cousin will visit me soon!!

*happy*
Cleo

Quite a shock

2010-06-15T16:15:00.002+02:00

Today, on my way home I -as every Thursday- visited the bakery in which my mother is working... But something was wrong this time... My mum wasn't there... Her colleague told me she was at the hospital... I went home as fast as I could and phoned mum's bestfriend who was with her... My mother had an operation but was fine again and now she is home... Nevertheless it was quite a day and maybe I'm allowed to drive to Akiyama's birthday party on Saturday xD

Cleo

Taking a look xD

2010-06-13T20:22:00.003+02:00

What a beautiful evening xD! The sun is setting and if you could trust the weather you would dare say "it's becoming good tomorrow"...
But who would trust the weather nowadays xD
I'm watching a film... Even though the World Championships of football are on TV... I don't want to watch it... Germany can win or lose without me sooo... xD

Looking forward to my holidays xD

Cleo

Brithday parties and what I like about them xD

2010-06-13T12:49:00.003+02:00

What a beautiful evening xD!!

Tokomi celebrated her birthday yesterday and it was sooo nice and fun and I really enjoyed it...
There was only one thing going wrong... but that's how it goes...

I thought maybe some people would have problems getting along but they did great, ignored each other and did what I always advice to do: Talk to the million other people on the party xD

The presents were good, too xD

Today I'll visit my twins... I'll practice the song for Literature with Abby xD

Cleo

Reading

2010-06-10T15:03:00.002+02:00

It's over... xD I have said "congratulations" a short hug and now I don't have to think about it anymore... or at least not as much xD... He is my ex and always will be xD

I'm sitting here, reading a book by Agatha Christie and listening to some music... I have to go back to school soon... Physical Education xD but it's only 4 times left till the holidays xD

Cleo

Weird life

2010-06-09T17:14:00.002+02:00

I need some holidays... I'm not feeling totally bad because of what I found out yesterday... but somehow I don't feel really good either... I started remembering all those things we did last year... He'll now do it with her whoever she is... He'll be happier...

I feel like I'm not loved by anyone... I have loved... now I'm a bit empty... and he reminds me of that... Holidays might help me to kick out the last pieces of feelings that might be left...

Cleo

I'm going to congratulate him... it's his birthday and I'm not as stupid as he is because I won't ignore him...

Tokomi's Birthday

2010-06-09T05:54:00.003+02:00

Guess, who has become 18 today xD

It's Tokomi-chan!!!

(Sorry but this picture totally looks like her when she is annoyed by me or bär)

Some wounds are not fully healed yet

2010-06-08T20:00:00.001+02:00

There is some strange feeling inside of me...

My Exboyfriend has a new girlfriend... I'm not angry... maybe a bit sad... but I'm getting along with it... Hopefully he suits him better than I did...

Tomorrow is Tokomi's birthday... Something to celebrate xD

Cleo

Working soon xD

2010-06-07T18:09:00.002+02:00

I'll be working... I have a new private student... I still don't know how to do it... but I'll get on with it xD I will think of something xD

I'll get some extra money... finally... !!
It was a good day... I was able to sing... in Literature I was standing on the stage and I sang xD

Cleo

shoppping with mum xD

2010-06-04T18:27:00.002+02:00

Today, I went shopping with my mum xD
It was really cool because the weather was great and I really found something (which isn't normal xD)... I have 2 new pairs of shoes xD 2 tops, 1 t-shirt (with the cheshire cat on it xD), a pair of earrings and a green sweatshirt xD

I'm not sure what to do right now... my mum just told me that my godmother has been thrown out of her flat by her husband... she's looking for some new flat without knowing why she has been thrown out... She is going for a walk with her and another friend now and I wasn't allowed to join... so I'm sitting here trying to do something...

Cleo

Meeting Tokomi

2010-06-03T18:22:00.002+02:00

Tokomi was with me today xD It was great... I'm happy to have had the chance to talk to her xD We haven't had many chances these days xD
I guess, i'll work on her birthday present xD I'm quite motivated right now xD

And maybe I'll start trying to find out who I am... And maybe I even find a way to become the person I want to be... but that's not done in one evening's time xD

Cleo

sigh

2010-06-02T14:55:00.002+02:00

I'm sometimes tired of being myself... The people try to cheer me up but I can't be really happy... They try it by telling me that I'm a great person... I can't believe them... They try to show me my faults... I know them myself and get desperate because I can't change...
Whenever I try to change something is working against me... You can't change... you risk losing friends... your routines like school keep you from having time to change... your family and the place you live in stay the same... And the worst is you don't feel comfortable being the person you want to be... it's not you... I should by now have found out who I am... and part of me really is where it should be at the age of 18 and a half... but something isn't right yet... I'm not feeling right... and that makes things even worse... I'm unsatisfied, bad-mooded and something inside of me makes me want to hide... I wouldn't hurt anyone if I was alone and noone could hurt me...

I feel like I'm 15 again... the time at which I stopped looking for a boyfriend but was found by one... I guess, I have always defined myself through a boyfriend... I never had to deal with me alone in these past 3 years... And before that?!... I seemed to have been as unsatisfied with life as I am now... I'm 15 again... but I have to take the responsibility of an 18-year-old woman...

How could that work out?

Cleo

why is it so bad to be able to drive?

2010-06-01T19:19:00.002+02:00

GRRRRR....... my mum thinks I'm driving to carelessly... She thinks I wouldn't think enough...
But I can't help being the way I am and I'm only happy that I'm not always having a total meltdown of what could have happened if I had been a minute too early at that spot... I don't know what's her problem... I'm really not doing this on purpose... I hate driving... I'll never really get accustomed to it...

*depressed*

Cleo

Have to do History homework -.-

Some freetime xD again xD

2010-06-01T18:24:00.002+02:00

Tomorrow is again the last day of school before the weekend xD I loved May because it was full of days on which we didn't have to go to school xD Now it's June... nevertheless I don't need to go to school on Thursday and Friday xD... I guess there won't be many free days after these two but actually schools over in about 6 weeks... so who cares about not having many free days... we aren't doing much anymore after the last test which I write tomorrow xD

*dancing*
Cleo

Mr. M

2010-05-31T17:28:00.003+02:00

It's me...

Only wanted to say that I didn't avoid the situation... and that I said "hey" and he said "hey" back... so nothing to worry about... he isn't mean to me...

Cleo

At home

2010-05-31T10:40:00.002+02:00

Finally home during my free periods... I have spent so much time in my schooltown sitting there waiting for the time to pass...
I saw Mr. M this morning... it's the first time since the Saturday we've been on the fair... I guess he didn't see me and I tried to not see him... but I'm not good at that... I try to avoid him because I don't know what he thinks... is he angry, sad or is he making fun of me... I'm not sure... maybe a bit of everything... the point is that I'm not sure what to say to him when I see him... Maybe I'll stay longer in my school town... Maybe I won't have to see him then... and then I don't have to think about saying something or looking at him or anything...
I hate this situation and I don't know what got into his mind that could make him create this situation...

"friends" is a word that seems to be used too often and in the wrong context...

Cleo

Describing Saturday xD

2010-05-30T12:15:00.003+02:00

Strange thing... Germany has won... "Le Grandprix de la Chanson d'Eurovision... Well... It seemed to help that Lena is a sympathatic girl... Nevertheless I couldn't believe it... and I was sorry for the Irish who, in my opinion, did a great job and should have gotten more points than they did... Norway did a great job as host...

Sex and the City 2 was really, really, really cool xD I laughed a lot xD and my sister and I had m uch fun xD I'm looking forward to the DVD because then I can watch it in English (It was strange to watch it in German because I got used to the sound of their English voices xD)...

Cleo

PS: I want to buy myself a book because I saw the preview of the film to this book... "Eat Pray Love"

200th post

2010-05-29T15:23:00.002+02:00

2 years and 200 hundred posts later I still feel like I haven't learned anything... I feel like I'm still the small naive girl I had been when I started to write here...

Boys and men seem to suck because I'm nearly always miserable because of them... But some things changed... I have a driving license, I lost my cousin and got her back... I'm good friends with my Greenie... I had a boyfriend and lost him... I had a good-friend and lost her and got her back again and now I'm talking only sometimes to her... I call a person a "friend" who I have hated much... My sister moved out and got married... Many things can happen in 2 years...

And I'm happy to be able to share them with you...
Thank you...

Cleo

PS: I'm going to watch "Sex and the City 2" today xD

Somehow writing but not really

2010-05-28T19:35:00.004+02:00

Why am I here?
This world is so sad and grey and I can't make it brighter... They don't like me... because of whatever reason...
I'm tired and I don't know what to do...
Will see.... I guess...

Cleo

PS: Need to make sure that I get a present for tokomi...

Give me some new perspective...

2010-05-27T17:31:00.002+02:00

He didn't write... I was there... he didn't write... I wrote "hello"... he didn't write back...
I start to lose every good thought of men... They seem to be jerks... every single one of them... and the problem is... I don't really believe that this will change...

I would stay by myself... all alone... if I could... I'm not good at being alone...

Cleo

Writing a lot...

2010-05-26T16:22:00.003+02:00

Me again...

I've just noticed that I'm a single for 5 months... exactly 5 months...
and I have got my driving license for 1 month...
This year is strange... I don't know what to think of it... but I don't want to feel bad anymore...
I want to go away... I want to leave this town... and my mother talked to me... I take Heidelberg back into consideration... I'll see what this year is going to be like...

I'm tired of not feeling well...

Cleo

When will things work out well?

2010-05-26T14:27:00.004+02:00

He made it very clear... Only friendship, nothing more... It's soooo okay to me because I didn't know what I want... It's soo okay because I don't believe I'm ready for anything more than friendship...
But why did he go offline?! Without saying anything... I don't know... I don't understand... He said he hoped I wasn't angry... but I wasn't... I talked to him normally... and he just went offline... not saying a word... What am I meant to do now? I can't be angry because he'd think it's because of the fact that there isn't more than friendship... and what if he's annoyed... then I would make myself ridiculous while talking to him...

Desperately need to go away!!

Cleo

Everything worked out xD

2010-05-22T18:49:00.003+02:00

A third time xD...
He was there xD... We have been together on the fair xD and it was funny... okay we haven't been alone... there have been his little friends... three really cute small boys xD... they were fun xD.. it was a good first "date"... it was casual... still everything's open to us... xD

I'm happy that things went this well xD

Cleo

Nervousness

2010-05-22T12:45:00.002+02:00

Me again.... I know I've already posted but I can't help it... I'm nervous... Though I'm not sure I'll see him...
What am I doing here... isn't it ridiculous to do this... It can't really work, can it? I mean we're really different... We get along with each other... at least as long as we're writing... but we haven't talked to each other yet... not really... I'm not even sure whether I'm able to love or not... and I want to take as much time as possible... step by step... maybe this would be a first step but I'm frightened... What if I now will see that we won't be able to be together... is it bad? Is it good?
Maybe we're meant to be friends only... But am I able to do this... to be friends with someone I'm interested in...

Nervous and alone... no good combination... my mum only said that I shouldn't be heading into something... but I guess that wouldn't happen... not yet

Cleo

My weird happiness...

2010-05-22T08:58:00.004+02:00

He asked me to go with him to the fair but now he isn't sure anymore whether he is able to make it or not... I'll go... I'll see whether he'll be there or not...
I really thought that this was our chance to finally talk and get to know each other better... I'm still a bit nervous but because it isn't sure I'm not as nervous as I have been before...

What did I expect to happen?

Cleo

Happiness

2010-05-20T20:36:00.003+02:00

Tomorrow the weekend starts... it's THE weekend because it's longer than the others and there is a big fair ina nearby town... Will I meet him there?... Will someone else appear?... Many questions which aren't answered... but I guess I'd be happy to meet someone...
We'll go when it's getting late... So all the lights are turned on and there is a beautiful atmophere xD Romantic xD

I may even be able to take the car to the station xD

*hugs*
Cleo

Life is a rollercoaster xD

2010-05-19T14:50:00.002+02:00

Haven't I been happy somehow?! I'm not sure... I don't know what I want, what I expect to happen and don't try to tell me that it's good to find out that you don't suit each other... I'm not even sure about that... but I guess I'm frightened of the outcome of all this talking and waving hello and goodbye and that grinning and everything... Is it good? Is it bad?... Can't somebody tell me... I like him... I'm nervous whenever I see him... but that isn't love... and that isn't helping me to find out whether we would suit eachother or not... and worst... what if he doesn't even consider liking me... maybe friends... maybe that's better than anything...

Cleo

Somehow happy xD

2010-05-16T19:37:00.003+02:00

We talked... it was cool... he seems to be really nice and somehow he is not quite the bad boy I thought he was xD
Tomorrow I shall talk to him in person but I'm not sure I'll be able to manage that xD
I guess I won't be the person he expects xD

We'll see xD

Cleo

wondering

2010-05-13T17:44:00.002+02:00

What a wonderful strange and boring day xD

He wrote to me.... I'm not sure whether it's good or bad but right now I'm happy about it xD
My day today was quite boring except for my mum and me going out to get some ice cream... that was really great because I drove xD and I think I don't drive that bad anymore... xD

Right now things are boring... noone's there... except for my exboyfriend... and Akiyama who doesn't write xD

I'm really wondering if things will turn out to be good or not?

Cleo

Why aren't things the way I'd like them to be?

2010-05-12T20:42:00.003+02:00

I can't get myself writing to him... He's... I don't know what he is.... I'm not in love... I may have a crush but I don't know him... Maybe I should write because maybe I would find out that he totally doesn't like me/ that he totally isn't my type... but then reality would make me feel down again... and if we write and it's not working it will be weird seeing him...

It's ridiculous... this whole thing... if he liked me he would write which means that he doesn't like me because he didn't write...

Depressed,
Cleo